grounding

i’ve made it to the point where i write better when i type. i used to prefer the act of handwriting but the speed of typing is unmatched. the speed of typing matches the speed of my thoughts. sometimes it’d be hard to handwrite because i literally just couldn’t keep up with the speed of my thoughts.

but maybe that just means i need to slow my thoughts down.

which is valid.

i think that’s another thing i like about writing. when i write slower, i force myself to think slower. i ground myself. i breathe.

i read over the things i write. i read the messages sent to me. having something to read over and over again gives me a lot of comfort. words make me feel secure.

they ground me. they’re fact. i’m looking at them as a reminder.

at one point, i felt this thing. at some point, this thing was so important to me i had to get it down on paper. there’s a reason it’s here.

when i stop typing, i read over the things i wrote. i judge myself. i wonder why i’m doing that. why i feel so much excitement, settle, and then suddenly feel so much shame for feeling excited. for being so “dumb.”

a lot of the things i think about myself i would never think about another person.

i know i share a lot about myself but the truth is i struggle with opening up, too.

this semester was really hard. i really did try my best. i can’t believe i made it through. i look forward to resting this summer.

i love the person i am when i’m grounded.

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posting with intention

as i was getting ready to go out right now i realized, “fuck, i need to write my blog post!”

then i started thinking, what am i going to write about? should i write that i’m going out on a date? no – i should keep those things to myself. should i just write about what i did today? no, that’s boring.

i was thinking it through, thinking about what the main themes of the day were. this morning my tarot reading confirmed to me that i was moving on and that there is power in being yourself. you should be around the people that inspire you to be even more yourself. which is honestly a great theme to write about.

but honestly nothing really happened today (yet) and then i realized…. maybe i don’t even need to write anything at all.

i don’t want to write just for the sake of having something to post. just for the sake of keeping up with my daily streak.

when i write, i want it to be with intention. i don’t want it to be rushed. i don’t want it to feel like a homework assignment. that’s missing the point entirely.

plus, when you read these, i want there to be something for you to take out of it. something thoughtful. a lesson i’m learning. a challenge i’m facing. something.

but today was just a day. and right now i’m getting ready to go out and my hair looks amazing.

i’m trying not to be so hard on myself. technically i’m not breaking my daily streak because i’m writing this, but also i don’t need to post daily. i can give myself that grace.

i’d rather continue getting ready and listening to music. writing in my own personal journal, if needed.

i love posting online – but i love other things, too.

take it day by day. some days you’ll love some things more than others. just be honest about how you’re feeling and the things you’re doing.

if there’s something you want to be doing right now, someone you want to be talking to right now, you should definitely go for it.

the best-case scenario is possible

happy full moon! today in the forest i realized that i’ve officially been a full-time student for three years now.

why is this significant?

i used to hate school. i started ditching a lot in middle school and then became infamous for missing class. i kept to myself. i flunked out of my first year at cal state long beach. i dropped out multiple times.

and now i’m a full-time, very active straight-A student living on their own, 600 miles away from somewhere i never thought i’d leave. wild.

i was very happy when i realized this. i’m really proud of my hard work and it just goes to show that this stuff is worth it. the things you’re doing now, they do count. sometimes, even when you can’t see the final destination, you really do have to just trust the journey. take one step at a time. approach forks in the road. make your decision. trust that it was the right one.

i wonder where all my current decisions are going to take me next, but i do believe that i’m making all the right choices and i’m laying down the foundation for something really special. i feel it.

and i love what i’m doing right now. this month i’m working on an album review and multiple artist features. finally doing some more music journalism stuff, even though it intimidates me. i can do things that scare me. i dare myself to.

if you want to do something, you have to make yourself start.

heart eyes will also be recording their first EP and i am SO fucking excited for you all to hear our songs!! there’s one song in particular that i am especially excited for but i’ll talk more about that some other time.

this morning i pulled the 7 of cups and it reminded me of the fig tree from slyvia plath’s “the bell jar.”

there are so many different routes to take. multiple options lay ahead of you. you can choose whichever one; the most important thing is that you do make a choice.

and just like the card shows, one of these options is the one you really, really want. the best-case scenario.

i’m going to start trusting that the best-case scenario is possible. sometimes we don’t choose it because we think it’s “wishful thinking” or whatever, but like… yeah obviously something won’t come true if you don’t even believe in it. if you don’t even try.

the only way for the best-case scenario to come true is by first believing in it at all. then you can make decisions, take steps, that align with that scenario.

when you imagine it in your head, how did you get there? what did you have to do? is there anything you can do now?

i’ve been thinking like this for a long while now and let me tell you, i don’t regret it. i am literally living in my best-case scenario right now.

i am so grateful for this new home of mine. i am so grateful that i get to confidently say that i am an artist, musician and writer. younger me would be so proud. they’d be so psyched to find out that i’m on the radio and that i’m a recording/performing songwriter.

i know the future version of myself is going to be so grateful that i’m putting in this work.

and here’s some love for current me: i am a hard-worker and i am very dedicated. i am passionate. i am honest. i am proud of who i am.

i accept and love all parts of myself. all versions of myself, past and future.

i’m taking the steps to do what’s best for me now. showing myself love by honoring my boundaries and prioritizing my peace and happiness.

i’m really glad i made it here.

and so, if you made it this far down, please remember:

the best-case scenario is possible. you just have to give it a chance.

realizing how much i love my blog (it’s midnight)

today is the first day in weeks that i didn’t post something new to my blog. the streak is broken. i missed it by ten minutes.

i just got back home from a 15-hour work day and i’m not exaggerating. i’ve been on campus since 9 a.m. and the only time i left to go home was for my therapy session.

tuesdays are usually my busiest days – today we had production for el leñador, the bilingual paper on campus, too.

it was honestly a really good day, though. even now, hungry and looking disheveled, i can say i had a really good day.

anytime i wake up and see the sun outside of my window, i immediately know my day is going to be good. i wore a great outfit to celebrate: my matching black-and-green blazer and skirt combo with a ramones shirt. goth makeup to complete the look. i felt so good.

i was looking forward to writing here all day and i’m sad that i didn’t have the time. but in that feeling, i realized how special this blog is to me. it’s a part of my daily routine now. it’s on my list of priorities.

that makes me so happy.

i had things in mind to write about. for starters, there is healing in anger.

but i’ll get to that tomorrow when i have more time.

i just wanted to let y’all know i’m here and wanted to set aside some time to appreciate how much i love my blog. : )

finding comfort in the 80s

the part in pretty in pink where andie knows blane is acting different, lying and being distant, knows something is wrong. “why haven’t you called?” “i waited for you this morning.”

he says innocent-sounding lies. acts clueless. when she gets upset and confronts him, he raises his voice and says “can we just save this for another time? i’m having a bad day.” she keeps demanding the truth. now she’s yelling. they both know what’s going on.

i felt that.

i had the random urge to rewatch this comfort film of mine. i love the music. i love molly ringwald. i love the fashion. duckie is a dream man of mine.

honestly i relate a lot to duckie’s head-over-heels hopeless romanticism.

but the relationship between andie and blane… i was relating to that a lot, too.

i’m writing this now as i finish the movie. there’s about 13 more minutes left. i forgot how it ends. andie’s crying into her friend’s shoulder, saying “i can’t believe it, i can’t believe it.” that’s a feeling i know all too well. it’s a terrible feeling.

i forgot how this ends.

i’ve been listening to a lot of 80’s music lately. it hits a very special place in my heart. it’s the music i listen to when i’m romanticizing my life, feeling things a lot deeper. i think it’s because i listened to this music a lot when i was a kid. i still remember it being played in my mom’s red ford. typing that made me emotional.

i get emotional remembering these moments from my childhood.

and i honestly didn’t expect pretty in pink to be hitting me like this.

blane and andie miss each other, love each other. five more minutes left.

and of course the movie ends with them kissing along to “if you leave” by orchestral manoeuvres in the dark. i love that for them. i’m glad i rewatched the movie.

today was one of those good days where nothing great in particular actually happened, you just went through the motions and there were no extreme highs or extreme lows. you just did what you needed to do. had nice interactions with people. watched a movie. it was a good day.

i’m going to go to the gym now and listen to 80’s music.

if my life is a movie, what is it called?

i’ve been really into early 2000’s romcoms lately. someone even told me that i look like the main character in one of these movies. i feel like one, too.

these movies always have the best soundtracks and i realized that’s the wave i’ve been on lately. the cranberries. the cure. avril lavigne. michelle branch. they’re my soundtrack, too.

tonight i rewatched a classic favorite of mine: never been kissed. starring drew barrymore (another fave), it’s about a reporter going back to high school for her first undercover feature story. the main problem is that she actually had a terrible time in high school when she was young. she got bullied a lot. and even though she’s 25 now, these things still affect her.

that really hit me. i relate to that a lot. public school was such a rough time for me, i was ditching all the time and everything. this is my first time really going to school full-time since high school. this is my first time actually trying to get involved in big groups, actually trying to be a top student again. and even though i’m older now, and i’m definitely older than a lot of the people around me, the things i went through growing up still affect me. it’s wild to have these things pop up in my life.

but i’ve been navigating really well. and, just like “josie grossie” (barrymore’s character), this second round of schooling has honestly been treating me really well. i love the people around me. i’m a lot more confident in myself now.

and i’m really proud of my growth as a person. i think of who i was in high school and who i am now and it makes me really emotional. that part of my life seems so, so long ago. it’s like I have to really remind myself that that was me and that was my actual life. it actually happened. and now i get to be here.

i wrote about something similar in my journal today. you are the one constant in your life. you’ve been with you the entire time, and you’re here for the rest of the ride. you are always going to be with yourself.

i like learning about myself and honoring the things that i like because honestly, the concept of knowing and loving yourself as a person is still relatively new in my life. i didn’t really start pouring into myself, exploring myself as a person and caring about myself to this extent until 2020. it was like a whole shift and once you’re here, you don’t really go back. you learn to love yourself fully and unconditionally, even during the most difficult parts.

again, you are always going to be there with you. every part of you. so it’s important to make peace with the parts of yourself that you don’t necessarily like, the parts you’re ashamed of, and find a way to coexist. find a compromise. at least acknowledge it. and start finding the things about yourself that you do like. the interests you haven’t explored in a while.

you are who you are for a reason.

and i’ve always been a romantic. it could be because of these movies, but i think there’s a reason i’m drawn to these movies, too.

i like the happy endings with the perfect song. this movie’s song was “don’t worry baby” by the beach boys.

i think my songs were definitely “just like heaven” by the cure or “dreams” by the cranberries. i appreciate anytime my life feels like a movie. it just means i was really happy.

in my movie right now, i’m writing a lot. journaling and songwriting. i’m definitely in the beginning of a transitional stage in my artist journey. there’s some type of a foundation being laid out. i don’t know too much about it yet or how to describe it but i feel it. i’d imagine that the imaginary people watching my imaginary life like the truman show would be pretty excited for my character.

they probably know something i don’t know.

for now, i’m trying to be as present as possible. take things one day, one hour, at a time. i feel like i’ve been fast-forwarding through my life because i’ve been wanting to see what happens next but i’d really like to just appreciate the scene i’m in and let it all play out. just like the movies i love to watch.

thank you for reading these

kianna

don’t ask how much money i spent today

they increased my credit limit and even though i know this is money i’ll have to pay back anyway, it’s been a very, very long time since i’ve gone on an actual shopping spree. it was time.

i’ve been really into fashion and personal styling lately. the color palettes i’ve been drawn to are earth tones and pairing denim blue with black. very 90’s/y2k inspired. lots of grunge and punk influence. lots of leopard print. i seem myself in that whole “whimsigoth” aesthetic, too. i just really love thrifting.

it makes me really happy when my clothes and my overall outward appearance reflect who i feel like on the inside. i love expressing myself this way. i love having fun with fashion.

it’s like the quote in the devil wears prada: it’s more than art because you live your life in it.

it’s wild because, for the longest time, i was outgrowing a lot of the items in my closet. i found myself starting to repeat a lot of the same outfits more frequently – a lot of the other stuff i have literally just feels uncomfortable to wear. it feels weird. but i had no extra money to justify revamping my closet…

…that was until today. thank you, discover card.

honestly pretty much everyone is in debt. some people our age have A LOT of debt but when you see them, they’re still chilling. they’re working. they’re making their payments. so yeah, going on a celebratory shopping spree seemed pretty justifiable today. at least i can justify it.

that’s why it’s important to know yourself and your limits. i know myself and that’s why i know this shopping spree was worth it. i got new clothes and shoes that i know i’ll appreciate for a very long time, and i’m really good at making payments.

i may be poor but my credit score pops off. and that’s because i know sometimes you have to go into a little debt to get yourself to the next level. it’s like an investment.

for example, i took out a loan to come to school here in humboldt. and now i’m living on my own, for the very first time, in the forest as a writer and performing musician with my new friends.

i’d say it was pretty worth it.

i’m an aquarius – of course i’m going to detach

when i was younger, i had a very special skill that came naturally to me: the art of detachment.

when i wanted to – and i mean anytime i REALLY, really wanted to – i could easily let go of specific feelings, things and people and close that door for good.

i stopped doing that because once i started reading more mental health and psychology books, i started seeing that maybe this could be an unhealthy coping mechanism. maybe i was supposed to be feelings these things. but now that i’m older, and wiser, and i have the power of discernment and knowing how to make the right decisions for myself, i think it’s time i tapped back into my natural power again.

i journal and journal and journal and milk out every last drop of whatever it is i’m feeling. “feel your feelings” is beat into my head. and i still believe it’s important to do so. but it’s also important to know when it’s time to stop.

and today i decided to do just that. i decided to detach again. and guess what? i instantly felt better.

and it’s not a “fake it til you make it” type of thing. i’m not faking anything; i genuinely feel a million times better. i feel really good about myself again. confident. powerful. fun. sexy. smart.

when i used to detach, i thought maybe it had been unfair to the other people involved. but now that i’m older, i’m like…. who cares? there’s a reason i’m detaching. if it hurts them, they can regulate their own emotions just like i do. we’re all adults.

there are so many stages in healing. in the earlier stages you think you have to be love and light all the time. then you heal some more, practice grounding, learn about boundaries, start loving yourself. and then it’s almost empowering to cut people out of your life.

reminder that you feel anger for a reason. listen to it.

i’d like to thank miss marina and the diamonds for the inspirational music today. i’ve been listening to the cranberries on repeat and the electra heart album was just what i needed.

my hair is bouncy again. my skin is glowing. all because i decided to detach.

i knew that once i detached, that was it. and i think i was scared of that. it’s pretty permanent.

i spent the first part of my day listening to the cranberries, walking around town, thinking. saw signs everywhere.

so i made the choice to detach and the universe is rewarding me again. that’s how i know i made the right choice. i passed another test and i feel so fucking good about myself right now.

maybe if you’re reading this you know you’re in a transitional period, too. and you’re waiting to level up. it’s going to happen. i like to think that this a collective thing. maybe me being able to take these leaps of faith and make these decisions actually helps other people do the same thing.

so, just in case you needed a sign: detach.

they’re probably giving you the ick anyways.

“linger” by the cranberries and the reality of mental health

i don’t know how many pints of rocky road ice cream i’ve had in the past two weeks but definitely enough to make me start noticing i have a new comfort food in my life.

and i’ve been going to that comfort a lot lately.

during my radio show today i played “linger” by the cranberries, after playing their other song “dreams” which had been a favorite of mine for a while. that’s when this deep realization hit me.

this realization that “dreams” is what it feels like when you think you’re falling in love, when it does feel like a dream come true.

and “linger” is when reality sets in.

“oh i thought the world of you, i thought nothing could go wrong, but i was wrong, i was wrong”

i’m not going to stop believing in the best in people. i don’t want to stop letting myself feel things naturally.

allowing myself to trust the way i feel has been a key theme in my life for a while now. i’ve written about it many times, and today i had to really be honest about the fact that i felt tired and kind of off. i was having a good time with friends. i was happy that the sun came out. i had capacity to smile and socialize and everything. but the truth is, my body felt tired and i think i needed to allow myself to feel a little sad.

it’s important to note that sometimes i’m going to be sad and there might not even be a reason behind these feelings. that’s something i’m learning and accepting. that’s what mental illness is. some days are just going to be hard and you just do your best to ride that wave. except i don’t want to do much riding. today i just wanted to float.

i surprisingly did a lot of socializing. i’ve been getting closer with certain people in my life and it makes me happy to build these connections. i really like the people around me and that really does include everyone. like the people i see at blondie’s and different music scenes around town, even if we don’t talk much. it’s cool that we have this community where we can keep running into each other. and y’all have always been so sweet to me.

i feel bad when i’m feeling off because although i want to socialize, socializing is hard. i stumble through my words. i zone out. i feel awkward, which makes me really anxious. i feel fear in my body that i’m being weird. i never know what to say, how to act. i tend to keep to myself because of this but i just hope the people around me don’t think i don’t want to talk to them or anything.

i’m just having a kianna day.

and i don’t even want to call it a “kianna” day, that feels a little sad and unfair to myself, but what i mean is that sometimes, i’m going to be a little off. i’m working on it but that’s my reality right now. i think the people in my life know that, though. and they love and support me anyway.

i appreciate that i got some time to myself tonight to sit in my comfy room with the warm lighting and eat my pint of rocky road. i have a radio show tonight.

if you haven’t tuned in to any of my radio shows, i’m on air every thursday from 3-4 p.m. pst and 10-11 p.m. pst. you can stream on krfh.net

before i head out, i do want to say that it makes me so happy when you guys come up to me in person and tell me that you’ve read my blog. thank you so much. i appreciate you reading these and telling me. i honestly do love writing.

the easiest way to get over it

i learned how to tell when something isn’t right for me:

when it’s in my life, i start feeling confused and insecure. there’s a grey cloud over me that’s not going away. a filter over my life. i’m disassociated. i’m distant from my friends. i don’t like the things that i used to love anymore. things are bad, and they’re just getting worse. i’m so tired.

when it’s out of my life, great opportunities come rushing in. best-case scenarios. the sun is out again. i get a million things done. i’m passionate again. i have goals. i have drive. i have a plan for my life and i love what i’m doing and i love how i’m executing my plan. i’m better connected with myself. i’m better connected with the people around me. i feel confident again. i love myself again. i’m proud of myself again. my energy is way up.

so now i see what the universe is doing: do you really want this thing in your life, or would you rather have the life you could have without the thing?

i choose the life where i get to feel like this. where i’m surrounded by beautiful, supportive people. where i feel peace, happiness and excitement. where i actually like who i am and the things that i’m doing again.

some people and things are really not for you. you’ll know when you really take a look at your life before the thing, while the thing was in your life, and then after thing.

it’s really wild to see how accurate some tarot card readings can be.

i had a really good day today and apparently my words, my thoughts, have been on point. “your throat chakra is aligned.”

honestly needed that confirmation because i had a sore throat pretty much all last week and there were things happening in my life that made me suspect that i was struggling with voicing my truth and expressing myself.

i told my friend this today:

sometimes it’s not about the other person not wanting to; they could just be scared, too.

some people have gone through their own things that make it hard to trust and open up to others again. some people struggle with communication. some people think that they’re communicating, and honestly they might be! we’re all different and we all communicate in different ways. sometimes it really is just about learning the other person’s language and finding a way to best translate what you’re trying to say, what you want, in a way that they could best understand.

i believe we want to understand each other. and that’s a whole other human being right there with their own soul and everything; it’s okay if it’s not 100% easy. it takes time and effort to learn how to best understand a whole other person.

with that said, that’s why i love it so much when my friends tell/show me things that make me feel seen. i feel like i’ve gone through so many situations where i felt misunderstood that it felt like this was just going to be my permanent reality. but there are people who see me.

some people will never understand you, and they don’t want to. they are committed to never understanding you. but there are other people who want to understand you.

and because of that, they will.

i love my friends very much. my four of wands.

the four of wands feels like “coming back home.” and that’s how this phase of my life feels like.

i was stuck in a grey cloud and now i get to enjoy the sun again with my friends.

some things can’t live without chaos and drama. but i can. and so, i will.

i choose this life with peace.